First off: If there's one thing I need to do, it's rant.
This may very well confuse you. When I rant, I don't edit much. I'll just keep typing and typing and then just submit
there's a lot of stuff to say and there isn't much of a better place to say it than here on DeviantArt.
Also, I'm really apprehensive to go into detail about anything
even though it's a tad difficult to effectively rant when no one knows what's going on and I cant really say anything because 1) this is public and 2) I have good friends on here that are better off not knowing half of this stuff
I might decide to later but for now you'll just have to understand the gist of it in vagueness.
So warning: this may be long. Actually, it will be long. You don't have to read it; there are just a lot of things to say I guess.
If there's one thing I hate, its being so passionate about something and then it all be for nothing. Or even wanting something so badly that there's nothing you can do about it but just sit there and want it. You could complain and do whatever you'd like, but it won't accomplish anything. And usually you can't obtain it either. If you could, why would you still want it? You just sit there and want it so badly and exhaust yourself emotionally.
Clearly this isn't coming from nowhere. There are so many things that I would give nearly anything to have. I don't mean to sound greedy, mind you, these aren't material things. I could wait for material things, and the mere hope that someday I'll obtain them would be enough for me. But the nonmaterial things that I see others with that I don't have
it drives me absolutely nuts. And mostly because no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I'll never have it. Ever. And there's really absolutely nothing I can do about it. It irritates me. Screw irritating, it depresses me almost. Even though I hate using that word.
God I hate sounding like an emo kid. I was taught to never complain about my problems, to never show or express my feelings. Doing either one of these would result in a lot of ridicule. Nobody cares about your problems in my family. Nobody wants to hear it.
I find myself comparing myself to book characters, to try to feel like I'm not the only one having the same thoughts, or experiencing the same things. Not even comparing, identifying maybe. There are certain books that have characters that for some reason I just identify so much with, and it comforts me quite a bit, but in a way also makes me think a lot...and not always in a good way. For example, the book The Outsiders. I've never read that book before, but my friend recommended it so I figured I'd read it. It's a book about teenage greasers, never in a million years did I think I would identify with a character from that book. But it was so weird because as I was reading it, I felt exactly like Johnny. Like I'm not really that useful, like I could run off and nobody would really suffer too much since I'm not really that vital to anyone's "team." Johnny and I both think the same; we're both afraid of seemingly stupid things. Like knives. And other people. We both have our idols or role models, the people we look up to that, though nobody truly understands why we look up to them (and in my case, I don't even know), we'd defend them through anything, even if they were wrong. Like Dallas. I could tell from the beginning of the book that Johnny was exactly like what I would be if I were in that gang. He even comes from a similar background as me. Very similar, actually.
Or that song, "To the Moon and Back," by Savage Garden. I grew up listening to it, not really thinking anything of it until it came on shuffle on my iPod, and I realized that the girl they sing about sounds a lot like me too. If you analyze the lyrics you'd see.
Comparing myself to other people doesn't really seem to accomplish much, but it's not like I can really help it. It is always good to know I'm not the only one thinking those things, or going through the same stuff. Ignore me if you don't want to deal with me, and I apologize in advance for bothering anyone.